Clocking Out

Years ago when I worked at a fast food joint the phrase commonly used for ending our shift was "clocking out". Some would clock-out very readily, barely giving a farewell or passing on needed information to the next shift. Others would hesitate before punching the time clock; frequently asking the oncoming staff if they needed help with anything, double-checking to be sure they effectively cleaned up their area before leaving. Others would clock-out when their time was up but lingered on "off the clock", chatting, dodging loneliness or just watching over the oncoming to be sure everything was going ok. Maybe they felt they had invested so much during their shift they wanted to be certain their efforts weren't lost simply due to their approaching absence.

There are a lot of ways we "clock out" of life; retire from this existence. Randy Pausch was a professor dying from cancer. You may have seen his video on You-Tube or Oprah, The Last Lecture. He spoke about his passion for life, inspiring millions to live their lives more fully. Watching his last video, A Final Farewell, I realized he was that fast food worker who was hesitating before clocking-out. Making certain that his efforts in this life weren't to be lost once he leaves. His videos speak to the reality that we each have choices of how we want to clock-out. Many of us would prefer to simply leave; with little fanfare or grief, avoiding the pain of recognizing (and admitting) the approaching hours of our unknown. Many of us are afraid of death, so much so that even the discussion of it is almost too much to bear.

But in watching Randy discuss the inevitable and what he hopes for his family and others, I realized that his hesitation, his 'making certain that his efforts aren't to be lost' is such a gift to those he leaves behind. When we are without others in our life, it's understandable that we are less concerned with the circumstances surrounding our departure; our focus is on living day-to-day. But as we develop relationships, especially ones where others depend upon us for emotional and financial support, we must consider how our absence might affect them. Caring about others unselfishly means that we must ensure that our absence does not disable their ability to continue their lives on a similar path that they are while we are living.

I think it is the ultimate testiment to our love for others when we take the time, before "clocking-out", to make certain our efforts to show them love aren't in vain. Have we documented final instructions in a Living Will or Healthcare Power Of Attorney? Do we have a will? Does it specify what exactly we want to occur in our memorial? Are all our children, our mate, our companion-animals, acknolwedged in a legal document so that they are not left to fend for themselves, abandoned or having to struggle through financial troubles because we just didn't take that time. As someone who has been involved in animal-resuce for years, I can't tell you how many dogs, cats, birds and other sentient creatures are heartbroken first by their guardians absence then second by the guardians lack of consideration for their future welfare. Shelters (and shelter 'gas chambers') are filled with animals who've been cast aside by those who have to 'clean up' the deceased's 'possessions'. Children, having lost a parent, often find that their home situations change dramatically after the loss of their guardian.

There are many events that prompt our departures from this earth; cancer is only one of them. Most of the time we have little to no notice; no time to prepare. A living will can help communicate what you want, medically, financially and domestic needs, when you are alive but incapacitated. There are various types of wills and estate plan documents to legalize your desires once you are gone. Each of these allows you to indicate who should care for your children or companion-animals and how. They also allow you to divide your estate, including life insurance benefits, specifically to your beneficiaries. This can be very helpful if you have preferences of who should care for what child or animal and how care should be given.

So how will you clock-out? Will you just leave, with no concern for the incoming shift? Or will you give all of your loved ones the greatest gift, your final considerations?

What is wrong with us?

My Grandmother was a great teacher. They just don't make them like her anymore. Standing at 5'1", her 110 pound unassuming frame was just enough of a bluff to let you think she's no threat, until her tough almost-Bronx German dialect and a swift smack on the back of your head caught you off-guard, rendering you speachless and bewildered. Her fearless leadership and relentless direction remained my guiding light, until her passing nearly a decade ago.

When I would slouch, she'd promptly slap me on the back, grab my chin and form my torso so that I was structured more upright, albeit with a sharp jerk. She taught me to meet life head-on with a confident posture and to never take a passive stance on issues important to me and to those I care about.

When I got out of line, as I often did, that menacing forefinger promptly erected and, with a stern look and tone, she'd threaten "I'll swat you such a one!". She taught me that although consequences aren't always present when I am making decisions, dharmas backhand will surely 'swat' me my due, if the decision was a selfish one. I am more thoughtful in my actions because of this.

When we would catch her cheating at cards (which she frequently did, she often played by her own rules) her prompt Germanesce reply would be, "So what?!" and she'd just continue right on with the game. While her accountability may not have been evident, Grams detested excuses. "Do something about it, don't just stand there!" Grams would say. "Then move on.". Now when I find myself in a pickle, her infamous words come to mind, "So what?!" and I quickly fix the problem and move on to what's next. Excuses are a delay of the game and I know Grams would have no part of that; and now, neither will I.

I look at our youth these days. So much going on around them. And too few of the great examples to follow that I had when growing up. Folks like John Wayne, Big Bird and Mrs. Cleaver were often there to show me what to expect from my world, and what it can expect of me. I can't imagine what I might have turned out to be like if my role models had been the Michael Vicks, Plaxico Burress' and Rae Carruth's of the world.

While on the surface these men initially seemed to be great models for moving beyond the circumstances of their youth, these pro-footbal players, and many more like them, are indicators of whats wrong with us. Yes, I mean, what's wrong with us? These guys got paid! Not punk change either. They bled money. Money from games, promotions, sponsorships; just plain silly money! And what do they do now that they're at the top? They go out and do things that we too frequently associate with poor, disenfranchized kids (and adults). Crime, guns, drugs and violence. And they didn't even have to,..they wanted to.

So what do I mean what's wrong with us? I didn't kill nobody. Maybe you didn't either. I don't even like Michael Vick, Rae Carruth or,...well, ok,... I did like the way Plaxico played ball, but still. These guys aren't the kind of folks we need on our t.v. sets in front of our kids. These guys aren't even the kind of guys we need in front of their own kids! They are horrible examples of how to make everyday decisions. Even worse models for how to play on a team, handle a problem or build a career. They aren't on anyones team. They are on their own team. Each a team of one.

Have you ever thought about the direction our youth's mindset is growing? A great way to gauge our national mindset is to look at the marketing used targeting our youth. After all, marketers know way more about what our kids are thinking than any school psychologist.

Back when I was young the Army's slogan was, "Uncle Sam Wants You!". There was a sense of purpose; of community. We had dedication to eachother and to our country. Material things weren't a focus then. Heck, we were just fascinated with aluminum foil, color television and record players that you'd didn't have to manually crank to play.

As I was growing up the '70's the Army said "Join the people who've joined the Army.". We were still talking about a team. Aside from Superman, there wasn't the emphasis on this "me first" mindset that has since set in. We played games like Battlefield, Chinese Checkers, Monopoly and Operation. To do anything of substance, we knew we had to play well with others. While indications of divorce, single parenting and crime were broadcast on our television sets through shows like The Brady Bunch, Good Times and Hills Street Blues, failure, crime and bad relationship skills were minimized while pro-social behaviors emphasized. What's happening to us?

The tone started changing in the 1980's. The U.S.Army slogan became slightly more individualized ("Be all you can be"). While Packman, Atari and Donkey-Kong soon gave way to the more sophisticated games of X-Box type programs, so did our tendency to show compassion and mercy. Television and the big screen didn't hesitate to use robbery, rape and thuggary as a mechanism of entertainment. And why should they? We watched it. We bought it. We liked it!

The new millenium games started taking a darker turn, often with vividly realistic characters doing vividly realistic crimes. Even the X-Box and Nintendo game thugs, weapons and victims had the 3-D feel of reality. Grand Theft Auto is probably the best known crime-cradeling package, but it is in no way alone.

Anti-social attitudes and behaviors are marketed to our kids like Depends for the Incontinent. Television, newspapers and the big screen further funnel the 'real world' into our homes and minds. If it's happening 'out there', it's happening in our kids minds. The Army's slogan now is all about the individual, "The Power of One.", "She's not my daughter, she's my hero.". No more I'm My Brother's Keeper, it's all about me, or you. Just not about us.

Anti-social behaviors like obscenities, obnoxious insults, theft and infidelity are on t-shirts, television shows and even Hardee's commercials (Haven't you seen the one where the guys car is trashed by one of his three girlfriends? He doesn't seem to mind though. Just as long as he has his 1/4 Pound Little Thick Burger).

Now, before you shut me down and tell me that I'm blaming media for bad choices, wait! I'm not saying that NBC, Walt Disney or even Shock Jocks like Howard Stern and Don Imus are responsible for the actions of the Michael Vick's and Rae Carruth's of the world. But we are responsible for how we process this incoming information.

I can take the content and distinguish what is good for my social environment and what isn't. You can probably too! But what about our kids? Are their minds sophisticated enough to effectively analyze each incident and filter out that which is not pro-social? Can they really recognize and deliberate how their actions today will affect them in five years? Ten years?

I know we say that Michael Vick's actions were cruel, that Plaxico's carrying a weapon was wrong, but when they are back in the game (and they will be) and being the "star" again, will our kids really believe that crime doesn't pay?

So What!!

(Thank you for reading my post. I look forward to hearing your thoughts on the subject.)

In my next post, I'll share with you some Lessons From The Front Line; things I've learned in working with convicted felons. Things you can use to help your kids dodge anti-social choices.